Please Excuse the Interruption

05/05/08 Living Well

“You doing all right?” my wife asks with a note of hesitation in her voice. I’m standing at the kitchen counter, where I’ve just broken off, mid-sentence, because I cannot comprehend the result on my monitor. I mutter something and test again. The air around us condenses, like a fist, and we all wait. The monitor displays the same poor result; there’s nothing amiss with the machine, just me. In an instant the compressed air slams concussively.

I shout some expletive and toss my machine down with an audible crack. I look up at my wife, my face a picture of disgust, and finally answer, “No, I’m not all right.” I stomp away, loud, aggressive, and tumultuous, like a storm of inconsequence that desires to be heard, regardless.

Why do I want to be heard when I’m like this, and who do I want to listen? Certainly not my wife, nor my daughters. But they must, and do, the countless times I’ve blown my top over my mismanaged care. Yet, in these circumstances, I have to wonder what causes my excessive anger. Is it an offshoot or an unfortunate consequence of handling the pressure of this disease, very much in isolation? Or is it more of a predisposition of my personality, exacerbated by my particular situation? In short, is it diabetes that makes me lose it, or would I still do so without diabetes as the excuse?

Of course this is an impossible conundrum to answer, because I acquired type 1 at age 12. I wasn’t truly pressured into outburst situations before then. Regardless of the inability to answer, I think the issue is valid, and not solely on the anger forefront. How much does diabetes affect our disposition, good or bad?

I know there are instances when I have been wildly ecstatic, almost giddy because I’ve managed myself so well. For instance, testing at 115 mg/dl, post-Thanksgiving meal. Yet, would I have been so happy without the impetus of the unique scenarios that this disease creates? In turn, would I ever feel equally sad, depressed, concerned, or empathetic without this disease?

It’s a pressing concern because those with diabetes have to self-regulate, and often our emotions have to be similarly checked. If we don’t, people chalk up our behavior to an element of diabetes, which is potentially an unfair assessment, and truly a stereotype. Therefore, much like our glucose levels—which can fluctuate as if in direct opposition to our efforts—so our emotions may run. It’s best to give them space, but rein them into manageable standards.

I know I will continue to work at keeping the lid on, if only for the sake of those around me. It is unfair that I must feel upset as I do. What is a travesty is making others suffer for what I can marginally control.

Eric Devine, 30, has lived with type 1 diabetes since he was 12. He lives in upstate New York with his wife and two daughters where he works as a high school English teacher. Devine is an avid writer and is currently seeking publication of two Young Adult novel manuscripts.