I Would Prefer Not To

05/30/08 Living Well

I am intrigued by the title character from Melville’s “Bartleby the Scrivener: A Story of Wall Street.” The short story details how Bartleby, a scribe at a lawyer’s office, defies completing any work by stating at every request for such, “I would prefer not to.” Initially, this rebellious response forces the reader to wonder where Bartleby is headed with this resistance, as well as question his motivation. By the end of the story, however, it is apparent that Bartleby is merely choosing to opt out of life, preferring not to participate in anything at all.

The story poses the following questions for those of us with diabetes: How many times and in how many different ways do we “prefer not to” do something? Is opting out a matter of convenience, or are we avoiding potential consequences? Consider the responses to these common daily annoyances:

• “I would prefer not test, at least not right now, I’ve done enough already.”
• “I would prefer not to write my results in my logbook, I’ll get to them later.”
• “I would prefer not to cook a healthy meal, take out is just easier.”
• “I would prefer not to exercise; I’m just too tired and need more sleep, instead.”

The list could go on, much as we do, with our almost unconscious justifications. I say “almost” because within we know that we are making a choice. The independence from this disease that we achieve from making those choices may be alluring, but we all know it is fleeting. Therefore, we cannot opt out of these simple tasks because they are our foundation. If we do, the stage is set for “preferring not to” at so many other aspects of life:

• “I would prefer not to talk about my pain; it’s just easier to keep it to myself.”
• “I would prefer not to think about diabetes, altogether; it’s just easier to go through the motions that way.”
• “I would prefer not to get involved with others who have diabetes; it would only amount to a ‘pity party’ or might highlight my faults.”
• “I would prefer not to do anything out of the ordinary; the preparation and planning for such would be more trouble than it’s possibly worth.”

These responses are more difficult to correct and they truly underscore the essence of Bartleby’s refusal. He is a symbolic example of an individual who is overwhelmed by the pressure from work, family, or societal expectations. He simply could not handle any more, and was crippled, unable to do anything. How many of us can relate to that? And with such recognition, we must heed the warning of Melville’s story: If you prefer not to do anything, you won’t be anything. Indeed, Bartleby is dead at the story’s conclusion.

I often say, “It is what it is,” and sometimes I feel that such a statement is a cop-out, not at all elaborative or helpful. Then again, some aspects of life just are, like it or not, and it is important to assess them as such. Sooner or later we have to face up to the fact that diabetes is not going away, whether we prefer it to or not. Once we conceptualize this, we can adjust our response and accept what we have to do.

Eric Devine, 30, has lived with type 1 diabetes since he was 12. He lives in upstate New York with his wife and two daughters where he works as a high school English teacher. Devine is an avid writer and is currently seeking publication of two Young Adult novel manuscripts.