Cravings

07/30/08 Nutrition & Exercise

Denial and restraint are a constant with diabetes. I sometimes find myself overcome with cravings--cravings for wholly unhealthy foods. The mere thought of consumption makes me equally excited and dejected. Typically, when such a craving growls to the surface, I ignore it, drink some water, or eat a healthy alternative and move on. Lately, however, I haven't been so strong.

The corn chips lay in their orange and red bag, on the car's console, glistening in the sun. My wife had purchased them for the duration of a recent road trip, but after only a handful, discarded the bag. I made a mental note and kept on driving. After the trip I was back in the car clearing out our luggage when I spied the bag. My stomach shuddered and I could literally taste the salt and crunch that awaited. In an instant the bag was in my hand and the contents were blissfully in my mouth. Minutes later the bag was empty and I was satiated, but feeling guilty.

This is the hypocrisy of cravings. The desire is overwhelming, but the sense of shame that follows after succumbing is even more so. I absolved myself and threw away the bag, assuming that my latest episode of hunger-driven madness was over. However, later and without any pretext, one word settled into my mind, and has since lingered: cheesecake.

I bit my knuckle, drank water, and consumed a few slices of cheese hoping the craving would dissipate. Still, I found myself at the grocery store staring down a box of frozen, mini-cheesecakes. I reached in, grabbed it, but in a moment of fortuitous clarity, turned it over and read the ingredients. I promptly put the cheesecakes back and was glad that I hadn't read the composition of the corn chips after consumption.

Now I had a dilemma. The craving would not go away, but I did not want to feed it with such an unhealthy mixture of chemicals and preservatives. I hopped online and searched for recipes. The process was daunting and replete with images of succulent concoctions that left me twisted with desire. Finally, however, I did find a recipe that was low carb and made of (mostly) healthy ingredients.

I am still craving and I haven't yet made the trip to buy the ingredients. More pressing matters in my life have intervened, derailing me from my guilty obsession. Possibly I will allow myself to continue to be distracted and avoid giving into the craving all together. Or maybe I'll run out with the recipe in hand after completing this article and allow myself one indulgence. Either way, the decision will be on my terms--not my stomach's.

Eric Devine, 30, has lived with type 1 diabetes since he was 12. He lives in upstate New York with his wife and two daughters where he works as a high school English teacher. Devine is an avid writer and is currently seeking publication of two Young Adult novel manuscripts.