C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

06/02/08 Living Well

Control is a mixed blessing. It is certainly wonderful to have, but once achieved, it can become addictive. I admit, I am a “control freak,” and while this aspect of my personality has brought me great success in managing my diabetes, it has also produced much conflict.

For me, control and its subsequent success have infected other areas of my life where having control isn’t necessary. “Control” has become more of an acronym: Constant Obsessive Need To Rule Over Limitations. This dictatorship is rewarding, but not all it’s cracked up to be.

I do not like to be thought of as limited in any sense of the term. I go out of my way to demonstrate my capabilities at work, in the gym, and around the house. I demand nothing but phenomenal results from lesson plans to deadlifts to vacuuming. It’s not some ego trip either. I’ve come to realize that my activities and obsessions over them are assertions of control. I can rule over these aspects of my life, and it feels good and rewarding. My guess is that this is a consequence of so much of my life being less adherent.

Just the other afternoon, after a tiring day of teaching, I came home and took a nap, a rare event for me. I was exhausted and simply gave in. Of course, when I awoke just before dinner and tested my blood glucose level and I was 262 mg/dl. Not much control there. This event set me off. I was upset with myself for not following my standard afternoon protocol of working out and diligent monitoring. Had I not napped, I reasoned, I wouldn’t have been in such a situation. I stewed and sat with my family, waiting for my level to come down, while they ate dinner.

Incidents like that are the obvious downside to this false belief that I can rule over this limitation, because such rule is not absolute. My regimented actions will never give me dominion over this disease. Does that mean I should give up trying? No. Control is a vital component of diabetes management and is a strong factor for overall success. But it is one factor and should not be taken as a panacea to heal all the wounds such over-exertions attempt to cover.

A seasoned and wise carpenter, upon fixing a frozen pipe in my home and noticing my embarrassment for not discovering the source of the problem, said to me, “Know your limitations. There’s nothing wrong with them. Just as you cannot do my job, there’s no way I could do yours.” It was sage advice that I carry with me, even when I fail to follow it. Limitations are not always subjective. Constantly trying to prove they do not exist by obsessively controlling everything that might illuminate them is like holding water in your hands. Eventually the ploy will seep through and the heart of the matter will be revealed. There’s nothing we can do about that. It’s something out of our control, and that is perfectly acceptable.

Eric Devine, 30, has lived with type 1 diabetes since he was 12. He lives in upstate New York with his wife and two daughters where he works as a high school English teacher. Devine is an avid writer and is currently seeking publication of two Young Adult novel manuscripts.