My Diabetes Information Blogs
An Admission, But Not Admitting Defeat
10/10/08
Living Well
I do not take as good care of myself as I should. To tell the truth, I haven't had a physical in almost two years. I haven't been to my endocrinologist in more than nine months. I can't remember what my last HbA1C result was. I only complete my logbook two weeks in advance of a checkup (which has become a rarity). I cannot remember when I last changed the lancet in my pen. I have never run a calibration check on my current glucose meter.
In spite of my lax health care, I know how I feel on a daily basis. I know how constant my blood glucose level is. I know how much I work out and how clean I keep my diet. In essence, I am positive that my lack of adherence does not express a lack of awareness or concern. Rather, my behavior is an expression of acceptance.
I used to believe that if I tested and wrote down every single result, got my yearly physical, kept my quarterly endocrinologist appointments, and strictly followed all the other parts of diabetes care, then I could beat this disease. I believed that I could learn to solve any problem that emerged, because all it boiled down to tweaking my treatments. If I tweaked well enough I could achieve normalcy.
I don't know when my perspective changed, but I do know why: it was out of sheer exhaustion. I quickly learned that life cannot be lived with such strict adherence to every component of diabetes related care. No one can perform this disease management. I tried, but what I was trying to capture was elusive and always will be.
That doesn't mean I've given up on myself—far from it. I've gained a wellspring of knowledge that I readily share with others. In the process I've abandoned many practices but have replaced them with a life. I now live through this disease and take each new day as it comes.
Eric Devine, 30, has lived with type 1 diabetes since he was 12. He lives in upstate New York with his wife and two daughters where he works as a high school English teacher. Devine is an avid writer and is currently seeking publication of two Young Adult novel manuscripts.